i'm back

and my whole world has been shaken to the core. the last six months of my life have been a whirlwind. life as i knew it in august no longer exists. life before san francisco and south east asia seems like some weird, faded memory that i can't seem to grab a hold of. i don't know if i can fully put into words my experiences or the effects of living a life that desperately longs for relationship. but i do know that the last six months were merely the beginning of the greatest adventure of my life.

its the final countdown!!

whew, we leave for thailand and vietnam in 10 days! people have been asking me if i'm excited or ready to go.

ready? quiet possibly yes. excited? not yet.

i'm one of those weirdos who counts down for events but doesn't have the pangs of excitement until the moment i load myself onto the airplane. i think alot of that comes from a history of focusing much of myself in my plans for "tomorrow" and, in turn, losing where i am "today". today i am still on outreach in san francisco. would i be lying if i said that this past month was a great huge whirlwind of exciting things, and miraculous happenings? yes, yes i would. truthfully, this has been one of the hardest months of my entire life. its been difficult spiritually, emotionally, and physically. i have found myself getting EXTREMELY frustrated with day to day things, with monotony. i have been fiercely fighting the idea that i'm not doing enough for His kingdom.

in ywam sf we are really focused on relational evangelism. that is building relationships with people and allowing discipleship to happen rather than just "converting" someone to christianity and leaving them alone to figure out their new life on their own. the thing i'm finding most frustrating is that building relationships is a hard thing. sometimes it means not physically doing anything and instead taking a step back, taking my hand off of the controls and letting God work, actually becoming vulnerable to God's direction. i am really bad at vulnerability.

so am i ready to go to thailand and vietnam and run away from this month of frustration? yes! do i understand that running away doesn't solve anything? yes! this season that i have entered into is not easy at all. i was reading ezekiel 47 a week or so ago and verse 12 talks about how these trees on the banks of a river find their nourishment from the water that comes from the sanctuary. the trees aren't able to fully function unless they are receiving the water that comes from that pure source. my eyes opened up. i have been relying so much on what i have been doing, where/if/when i have seen the fruits of my labor. i have been the source of my nourishment and quiet frankly, that is not working out so well. its such a basic fundamental that our satisfaction and fulfillment is supposed to come from the Sanctuary, the Source of life but it is a fundamental that i neglect on a regular basis.

so am i ready to go to thailand and vietnam and allow vulnerability and cravings for Him to be my source of satisfaction? yes! i am so ready to grasp a tinge of understanding in how to do that.

ok, so i have one more thing to tell you about. as most of you know i had to raise financial support to come to my DTS. while raising support my biggest prayer was that God would provide before i left for san fran. i did not want to be here trying to focus on this city and have worries of money in the back of my mind. God completely provided everything literally days before i left. however, some of my team are still in need of several thousand dollars. if looking at finances as a whole instead of individually, "collectively" we still need $5500 by wednesday at the absolute latest. if you or anyone you know would be interested in supporting some of my friends financially so that they could go to thailand and vietnam PLEASE let me know ASAP!!! email me at kelseereeves@yahoo.com if you have any questions! i also want to ask for your prayers for this!

thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

kels

backtrack: the honeymoon-weeks one & two

the very first week we got to ywam sf was very much an orientation type week. i really like to call this time period the honeymoon. we all came in bright eyed and ready for something HUGE. i had no clue what dts really meant except that i would be in the city of san francisco, learning about God & missions, learning about the city and what ministry looks like here, and where/how i fit in that mix. we started out learning all of the do's and don'ts of the base as well as of the tenderloin. we then moved into what the staff felt like the heart for the fall 2010 school was. God really put on their hearts the verse 2 corinthians 3: 16-18 "...and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" and that is exactly what has been happening. God has slowly been removing our veils. as each week progresses the ability to see the glory of God working in each others life has been beautiful. walls have been broken down and there is an overall realization that we aren't asked to just believe in God, or even just know God, we are asked to be a likeness of Christ.

i will admit that when i realized i would be in "classes/lectures" most of the day i was slightly disappointed. i honestly had no idea what to expect coming here but going back to class was not anything close. that was silly though. we are a lucky group of ywamers because we get the chance to learn about the character & nature of God and then take that knowledge, allow it to transform our hearts and then go and do ministry/life with people literally right outside of our front door.

going into week two i was full of anticipation. i was so ready to get things started. our first speaker was Karri Manning. She worked with ywam kona for several years and is now a youth pastor in salem, oregon. She spoke on understanding the character & nature of God. she really stressed that the character & nature of God is one that comes from an insanely deep love we don't necessarily understand. it is not one that hinders growth but instead desires for us to understand newness, beauty, love and affection. in the garden God did not create adam to know the difference between good and evil. he created adam so that man would know God.

we also did an exercise were we listed things that the world tells us about ourselves, things that while God sees them as precious the world's view has tainted and made ugly. that is a powerful thing to do. i challenge you to try it. make a list of the lies you believe about yourself... i.e. you're not desirable, you're stronger, you'll never be successful, you are too successful, you can't be loved, etc and then sit and ask God what he says about you. during week two we had the opportunity to mediate on psalm 139. it says in verse 14 that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" or "fearfully set apart". God did not mess up. it is his character to be purposeful and it is his nature to always love you. looking back, week two was just a drop in the bucket for what was to come. i'm excited to finally be sharing all that He has done and all that i've learned over the past 12 weeks! be looking out for weeks three and four in the next few days.

awake my soul

i love journaling. i love journaling a whole bunch. it has become an integral piece in my prayer life and quiet times. in july i started a journal that i titled "waiting". it was specifically for the time between school and ywam. (its funny that i ended up hardly using it during that time. i wrote in it seven times before i began this beautiful adventure. seven times!! bleh!) i finally finished it at the end of october. the satisfaction that comes with writing the final word in a book that contains some of the most intimate words from my heart is pretty great. its like i get to physically close a chapter in my life. but before i close that chapter i like to go back and read it, go back and revisit what my heart was desperately seeking, what i thought God was teaching me, and what He actually revealed to me. the entry from september 13 is the entry that really started a desperate search for God in this city; september 13 is the day i came to san francisco. i thought i'd share this little piece of the last chapter of my life:

"awake my soul" is playing as i sit on the flight that carries more than just my body and my luggage. this huge bird that is taking me over an insanely intricate landscape is carrying me to change, it is carrying me to unknown, yet i feel completely aware and sure in this new set of footprints. six years ago i stood in the back of a church in lubbock, texas and heard a voice that was louder that anything i've ever heard. some people say You are in the details and that we should listen carefully, but God that day Your voice was loud and clear. you called me into a life that seeks to represent a love deeper than any ocean. six years ago you told me to go, you told me to do ywam. and two years ago you showed me the absolute beauty that is san francisco. you developed an insane love for a city that is broken and dying.so here i sit, in this empty row on this plane full of strangers, trying to fully grasp what it is i am doing. my head is telling me that i am completely insane and fear is pumping through every vein in my system. but there is something going on inside that is completely inexplainable except that it comes from you. i have such an overwhelming sense of peace. although my heart is about to beat out of my chest because of the demon we call anxiety, it is about to burst with love for a city i've barely met but feel like i've known forever. so God here i am, fully surrendered to you, with arms high and heart abandoned. God some people don't understand what or why i am leaving a life that is more than comfortable. but that is why. comfort breeds laziness sweet Jesus and you are better. "because you are luke warm, and neither cold nor hot, i will spit you out of my mouth... i counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire (rev 3:16-18)" and i am so tired of being warm. God that is one of my many prayers over the next six months. that you would begin refining me like gold in fire, that my identity would begin to be lost in yours. God you are better

and He is answering that final prayer more and more each day. while having 21 years of life sloughed off my soul is not pleasant it is so good. i'm learning that the more room i give Him to shine through my ugliness and the more i let Him pour light into the darkest parts of my soul the lovelier living life with Him is and the more i want pieces of Jesus.

lessons learned

so i'm writing this post out of guilt. i brought this blog back to life specifically for my journey during ywam but, as most of you know, it has been dead since september. can you forgive me? in all truth i have had no motivation to post anything. part of it comes from me being lazy and not wanting to put my experiences into words and part of it comes from me wanting to keep everything that is happening to myself. both are bad excuses, very bad. i'm going to change that though. i have roughly a month and a half left in SF before i leave for outreach in thailand and vietnam. so the plan is to get ya'll updated on the past two months of life and keep the updates going at least until december 30. so i've learned my lesson....i NEED to blog more, a whole lot more.

most of you know that i am a photographer but the funny thing about my time here is that i have touched my camera maybe once. perhaps i'm going through a bit of burn out or maybe i just don't know what to capture right now? i don't really know the answer to this major dilemma but i do know that God is doing some things in my heart involving my creativity. that requires some huge explanation i know, and that explanation will come....eventually.

so world, life has been busy and my desires are shifting around. but hold on to your boots cause you're about to experience all that is youth with a mission san francisco in the comfort of your own home.

its tha ________ weekend baby

so this weekend we got to explore the city. if you know me at all you know how much i LOVE adventures. we started the day out in Chinatown. The culture there is incredibly rich! we moved on to little italy and then took the bus to the Golden Gate Bridge. I thought it would be fun to walk the whole thing...its only 2.4 miles, no big. after that we went to haight & ashbury...MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE CITY. that is where golden gate park lives and it is so amazing. it is filled with hippies and drum circles and all things wonderful!

on sunday we tried one of the churches here in the city. it was NOT what i expected. to say that i miss my Riverstone family would be the biggest understatement of my life. this place just didn't mesh with me, but we get try someplace new next week :)

today we got our first speaker. she is amazing. she is speaking on the character and nature of God. something i desperately need to hear about. i'll try to post more about that later this week. AND i'm going to try to post pictures soon!

ok i love ya'll

kels

here we are

well world, the bird has landed.

I got to the beautiful city of San Francisco one week ago and I am so in love already. Monday was a bit rough for me. My nerves were definitely getting the best of me. However, things here are incredible. I am one part of an 18 person team; one part of a system of Christ-seeking and Christ-loving people that have a huge heart to see this city change for Him.

Daily life is a little bit different then what i expected. Funny how that usually works. God always seems to have a way of taking what we want to see happen and throw that the window. I feel like He is just breaking down all things Me, so that He can step in. Fun right? So anyways, we go to class pretty much all day. This class is amazing though. We sit and listen to people who understand what life in the mission field is like, people who have lived lives that are hard but full of passion and grace. We talk about God and intimacy with Him.

My team is absolutely beautiful. I will admit that I regularly wish that some of you could be here with me, living life with me in this mess of a city, but I wouldn't trade these brothers and sisters for anything.

so here we go world. this adventure is starting and is not going to stop anytime soon.

i can't wait to share with all of you.